dude, this year has be such a change from last school year. I cant stop thinking about how much more drama and stuff there is now. My mother and I hardly get along now, since all I want to do most of the time is scream at her to realize that Im old enough to do things on my own.  and brother dear isnt helping, since he constantly walks around the house saying that im so mean and ugly and how much no one likes me.  it really hurts.

and it feels like im retrogressing back into those feelings of depression i had back in july/augest over THAT guy. And i really just want to wack myself quite hard on the head and tell myself im dragging this out beyond all logical reason, but i cant stop thinking about how bad it ended between us.  My friends cant understand why i would want to try to salvage any friendship with him, but i feel like its WRONG to just leave such a mess behind, especially since its at least half-way my fault.  So yeah thats been on my mind recently. i wish him and his girl all the best, honestly i do. he deserves to be happy, and from what my friend has told me his girl is muy simpatico.  so to them i wish full happiness.
 

also, i think my closest guy friend, the one i can go to for anything, is trying to distance himself from me, he seems so depressed lately, talking about how much his life is the same cycle over and over again. i want to help him, but i dont know how.  and i know that if i lose him ill sink so far into depression i dont know what can bring me out.

Ok so I've had a large realization recently.  Friends are amazinlgly awesome :)  i know it sounds like a 'duh!' thing, but i havent really apprectiated how much i need my friends until now.  Its a very gratifying feeling when Im walking with one of my closest friends in the hall at school and we pass my ex who is currently acting like an ass and she starts fake gagging.  It's quite immature, but someone im happy anyway.  I love just simply talking to my friends and smacking them upside the head when they act like morons, which is often.  I mean, they are some of the nicest and most amazing people that i know. They know when i need to cheer up or simply chill.  They are there for me 100%

Ok, so I just found this out on Saturday and Its been bugging me since.  Ok so you know, if youve read all my entries, that I went out with this guy once over the summer and then I ended it, right? Well rememeber that for a sec. So i was on facebook the other day and I was going to write on my friends wall, who lives out by the beach and only knows two of my friends from where I live, neither of which are the person I dated.  Ok so you know how on a persons profile youll see like six of their friends on the side?? Well, the dude I dated, HE WAS THERE!!! And I'm like, "what the hell?" Cus if there are two people less likly to know eachother, its these two.  So I texted my amiga and asked how she knew him.  And then she says 'i have no idea, he just added me randomly on facebook!" And I'm thinking, OH CRAP he went through my friends list or my other friends list, cus that was the only way he could of found her!!! And this really bugs me cus he doesnt really have a reason to invade my personal space like that and add my friends at random.  But when i asked him about it today, hes like "whatever, i dont care, i was bored, yadayadayada" Dude, he totally pissed me off!!! But does this sound creepy? or look creepy? cus if im overreacting, please tell me.

ok this entry is going to be a collection of various ideas that would by themselves make a bunch of wimpy entries.

• ok so back to the boy who was the focus of my last entry. he and i have come to the conclussion that we should most definitatly NOT do the friends with benefits thing, because that never works.  And he said that hes no longer attracted to me like that so...eh Ill get over it.  If he ever asks me out again, of course I'll go, but I'm not going to keep going after and chasing away my best guy friend in the world.
• Next on the list, my family.  I have a great relationship with my father.  We have a lot of the same intrests and we have the same sense of humor.  I am definiatly my fathers daughter.  My mother, on the other hand, doesn't really have that much in common with me.  Beside the fact I look just like her when she was in high school, my other traits seem to come from my father's side of the family.  We hardly get along, mostly because she constantly treats myself and my brother like we're 5.  she always groups us together and always rants about 'the two of them' even when I didnt do anything!! And Doug is SO her favorite child.  She will be all mad one second, and then shes all "Do you want some more milk, Sweetie?" to him and she snaps and yells at me.  She will do whatever for Doug, and never enforces his punishments.  She constanly critcizes me about my face and my teeth and my athleticism.  I just want to cry out "i know my skin is screwed up and my teeth aren't perfect!! you of all people should know better than to make me feel worse!" and she does it in public places! Ugh.  And my brother is such an ass because he doesnt realize how good he has it with her.  If he didnt do moronic stuff every day, like piss her off on purpose, He could do whatever he wanted.  It seriously annoys me. 
• Ok is it really wrong to simply want to make out with someone right now?? My hormones have gone pretty much bonkers over the past couple of weeks and ive become a tad horny.  But I'm also too determined that whoever I kiss will want to go into a serious relationship with me, and me with him.  And so far that search has come up with nada.  And its really not helpful when I keep daydreaming about making out with the best guy friend.  Its just I cant stop, and I really want to kiss some one, but my morals (damnit) keep stoping me from simply crossing that line. 
• Another thing is that right now two of my good friends arent really getting along (crimson, risette, listen up!!)  I know its not any of my business, but these two really should be friends. They have so much in common and are two amazing people.  Im not going into the details of there fight here, because that is their private business.  But I am going to say to Risette: ok chica you messed up and you know it, but you didnt do anything irriversible.  You need to make complete amends with crimson, and you need to start including her in all of yours and azures jokes. She IS his girlfriend.  And Crimson: if risette is trying to make amends, accept them.  You are not all that good at holding a grudge, and besides that she is very sorry.  She really wants to be friends, and you should try.  What happended was hurtful, theres no doubt.  But thats high school, chica. People make mistakes.